Naturally, as an expat in Switzerland, I have given serious thought to the state of my apartment should someone with Swiss nationality stop by.
Like what if the authorities finally decide I’m worthy of a C-permit? Or my neighbour determines my gutter needs to be shined again? Or the Billag guy wants to see the clock radio that wakes me every morning with its static? What will I do then?
After the Grüezi and the handshake and the part where the visitor takes off their shoes, there will be that awkward moment when the door that I never should have opened reveals my complete and utter foreignness (despite my American flag hiding behind several winter coats in the closet).
To be polite, I will need to offer my unexpected Swiss guest something to drink.
“Oh, just some water with gas,” they’ll say.
This is when things get complicated.
This is when they’ll realize not only do I drink water from the tap, but I also haven’t cleaned my faucet aerator since I moved in almost six years ago.
Now I like to think of my place as “lived-in” but I know the truth. People in Switzerland do not live with mineral build-up on their faucets, even those who drink bottled water.
The visit will only go downhill from there. I’ll try to distract them from the Swiss version of squalor with a little small talk.
But then I’ll realize that small talk is something in Switzerland that only exists in my apartment-kind of like the dusty planter and the moss that has also dared to make my balcony its home.
To compensate for making small talk, I’ll try to make my German flawless. This will involve disguising every der, die, das, den, dem, and denen as a “duh.”
Pretty soon, my Swiss visitor will hear what I am doing to the German language.
They’ll try not to laugh by politely blowing their nose but then they’ll want to throw away their tissue and this will reveal another embarrassing problem: my trashcan is dirty.
Tags: cleanliness, Life in Switzerland, Swiss
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And then there will be all the other things you didn’t even think of. Did you use the right cutlery? Did you serve people in the correct order? Who knows…
Why would you ‘hide’ the American flag?
@Christine: genau
@Geo: to hide my foreignness for as long as possible (i.e. until I open my mouth).
Hi,
I was still wondering why you would “hide” the flag of the country (I assume) you were born in and are from?
Hi Geo
Hiding the flag is more of an analogy for the natural way most of us want to hide the fact that we are different (although the flag is in my closet right now–it only comes out on the 4th of July).
I found your blog more or less by accident. Wonderful to read, and so comforting to learn that I’m not the only Ausländer who sometimes struggle with our Swissness.
About unexpected visitors: no worries. Swiss won’t visit you unexpectedly. Visits are planned, preferably months ahead… The Billag guy could be an exception - but he is not expecting a friendly welcome anyway, neither from the Swiss nor from the Ausländer…
Meanwhile: enjoy CH (this isn’t shorthand for Confoederatio Helvetica but for Chocowakia, of course)
Hi Zwitserlaan
Thanks for your kind words. Glad you are enjoying the blog. My neighbor stops by unexpectedly all the time. But that’s probably because we’re on a first name basis now. But no matter what, she always seems to stop by when my apartment has seen better days. At least she knows what to expect!